So, what the fuck am I?

So, Winter 2020 was a fun time for many reasons.

  1. I like the cosy aesthetic of Christmas
  2. Cold weather means snuggly jumpers made of happy
  3. Thick socks
  4. The ritualistic shouting at the full moon
  5. I got a new hat

But probably the best thing to happen was my public announcement of being a pharmacist baffler. But as lots of people (lots of very lovely people mind you) have asked me questions about it, ranging from “what’s going on?” and “have you changed your pronouns?” through to “where do you get your shoes from?” and “Why are you an abomination unto God?”. So, in an attempt to clear a few things up for everyone else and even myself, I’m going to write down my feelings and rationale.

What the fuck am I?

The thing I think I know I am, at least for now, is not trans. I have my days where I feel more femme than normal (and look great) and days where I feel more masculine, but I don’t want to be a woman. I’m quite attached to my penis and it’s probably the most masculine part of me. As much as I want to lose more weight and have a more feminine figure, that’s more to help make me look better and feel better in my body. Plus, I’m still a chubby sod.

No gender dysphoria, no trans, no dice. Just feel comfortable and right wearing clothes that society deems feminine. The comedian Andrew o’Neil phrases is nicely so I’ll paraphrase what he says – it’s like when you’re at a BBQ and are chilly, so someone lends you their coat to wear and you suddenly feel all warm and cosy. It’s like that. It just feels right.

Does that mean I’m a transvestite? Maybe, sure, I guess? Not a big fan of the word, it has too many connotations that I’m not comfortable with, mostly to do with kink and fetishes, and whatever I am is nothing to do with that. But until I have a better term, I think Genderfreak will be what I go with.

At the moment I feel very happy being a bloke and identifying as such. Will that change? Haven’t a clue, literally don’t know. Will it stay the same? Reread the last answer.

Key point that I missed during the first writing of this: clothes aren’t gendered. When I wear a dress or tights they aren’t women’s clothes. I bought them, they’re mind. What’s gendered is the marketing that bombards us, not the product. There’s nothing inherent in our clothes that gender them, nothing but societal norms, and those are tenuous at best.

But there are a few things I do know for certain. I have some of the best and most accepting friends, who have supported who I am, have given me advice, listened to my ramblings about gender and identity. I am definitely happier in my skin and more comfortable being me. And finally, I look fucking hot in a dress, fishnets and heels.

Thank you for being brilliant, all of you.

P.S. – Fun joke I have been told by someone who has been a rock during all this.

What’s the difference between and TV and a TS? About three years.

Published by Adam Unwin

Yeah, I write stuff occasionally, make things up on stage, and like saying words other people have written in a dramatic way.

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