So, as lockdown carries on and all my creative outlets are drying up, I’ve taken to writing a 5 minute monologue based on the weekly 14/48 Work From Home theme as if they were for the festival.
Here is my script for the Week 14 theme ‘100 Yesterdays Ago’
A greenroom, adorned with a few personal effects, a bag half opened, and some clothes strewn over the counters. The lights are on, but no one is currently in. The sound of an audience screaming, and cheering is bleeding through the walls. The gig has clearly gone well.
The door slams open and someone storms in, throwing down their guitar and rips off their jacket
Jo
I’m sorry, but first of all, fuck you! I can’t believe you actually wanted me to play that derivative crap.
Another person hurries into the room
Jay
What? The crowd were chanting for it all night, how could we not give them what they wanted?
Jo
Because it was literally my only stipulation before the gig. It’s the one song I didn’t want to play and the one song I genuinely cannot stand.
Jay
But it’s a classic/
Jo
No, it’s popular. Huge difference.
Jay
You have to give the public what they want though, you know that.
Jo
Ha! If that was the case, we’d never play the ones from the first album, would we? Look, look at this setlist! Those first half dozen numbers, hardly classics, are they?
Jay
Well, some people love them
Jo
Do they? Do you? Are you telling me they’re some of your favourite songs?
Jay?
Well, maybe not favourite/
Jo
“Baby it’s you”, “Ask me why”, “I saw her standing there”? They may have their place but it’s not on a greatest hits collection is it. But we play them anyway – so sod ‘what the public think’ because that clearly doesn’t matter. Especially given the number of actual classics we leave out.
Jay
What’s your point?
Jo
My point is that the only reason you said yes to playing ‘Yesterday’ was that you know I hate it.
Jay
No, of course not.
Jo
Really?
Jay
…Fine, a bit.
Jo
I knew it!
Jay
But only because you added that one to the setlist when we played Crewe.
Jo
You’re still angry about that?
Jay
Yellow submarine is a kids song for children and/
Jo
And is the most famous song ever recorded.
Jay
You’re literally a Satan.
Jo
It’s the weed to The White Album’s heroin. You have to get on that path somehow.
Jay
So is ‘Yesterday’!
Jo
No, Yesterday is an interesting tune ruined by having lyrics so bad they’re taken directly from a 14-year old’s poetry book. Hell, I’d even prefer the original lyrics about scrambled eggs over the weak, depressing gumph that Paul wrote.
Jay
You done?
Jo
Never! It’s so bad it actually removes the sheen off so many more songs. You start looking at the lyrics more critically. I used to adore ‘While my guitar gently sleeps’ then boom suddenly you notice that that it’s just a guy looking at his messy floor, ‘She’s a woman’ contains the worst rhyming couplet since Chaucer, and don’t even get me started on All you need is love.
Jay
That’s a proper classic though, everyone loves it!
Jo
Love is all you need, on repeat, for 8 fucking minutes!
Jay
If you hate it so much, quit.
Jo
Fine.
Jay
Good. We don’t need you anyway.
Jo starts to pack up his stuff, never looking at Jay
Jay
Yeah, pack it all up and run, like you always do.
Jo
Good luck finding someone who will be fine singing Yesterday while not being able to sing A Day in the Life.
He leaves
Jay
They’ll be able to do a damn-site better job than you! No one walks out on the UK’s third best Beatles tribute act (in the Northeast) and doesn’t regret it.
Silence
Jay
He’ll be back
The door opens
Jo
Forgot my charger.
Jay
Oh it’s just over there, behind the guitar case.
Jo
Where? Oh, right thanks.
Jay
Yeah.
Jo
Cool. Anyway, umm, I’m off then. Get bent, etc, etc.
Jay
Yeah, same. Drive safe.
Jo
Oh thanks you too man.
Leaves
Jay
Well, that showed him.
Picks up his guitar and starts singing A Day in the Life
Nope, maudlin rubbish.
adamunwin.com 