So, as lockdown carries on and all my creative outlets are drying up, I’ve taken to writing a 5 minute monologue based on the weekly 14/48 Work From Home theme as if they were for the festival.
Here is my script for the Week 11 theme ‘Everything’s Coming up Roses’
There is a hubbub, a press conference atmosphere has developed with reports murmuring to themselves. Suddenly, the crowd swells and flashbulbs explode as someone comes up to a podium. They’re very smart casual, radiating professionalism, populism, and a hint of smug.
Alright you lot settle down, settle down. Now I have a short, prepared statement to read out then I am open to take a few questions from the press.
Obviously, as you have now heard, Yorkshire has finally, and rightfully, been granted autonomous powers and will be seceding from the United Kingdom of Great Britain and Northern Ireland etc, etc.
We, Yorkshire, have been peacefully protesting and lobbying for this action since the late 15th century when some bastard called Henry stabbed a noble man called Richard in the arse after stitching him up good and proper for infanticide.
However, following a Yorkist referendum which has been finally recognised and ratified by the UN security council and those fellas who make the AA road maps, this struggle has finally come to a satisfactory conclusion.
This morning, Friday the 16th June, at 10am, Her Majesty the Queen herself officially signed the new bill into British law. We were originally scheduled to go in at 9 but thought we’d give Liz an extra hour or so in bed.
Ladies and gentlemen of the British press and my friends from the York Gazette, I am honoured – nae, proud – nae, de-fucking-lighted to be able to stand before you all today and announce that I am the first Prime Minister of Great Yorkshire.
A flutter of camera flashes and hurried questions from the gathered press.
Right, any of you southern softies got any questions for me?
Yes, madam, I agree. The conglomeration North, East, West, and yes even South Yorkshire was truly the turning point of our campaign. For too long Westminster weakened us by forcing our once great kingdom into 4. But together, lass, together, we can achieve anything. I hope we are a great example to the likes of the Sussexes which, with just a little cooperation, could easily take over most of the south coast. Yes, you sir. No not the one from the Sun, you can do one. You, the chap next to him.
I’m sorry no, you’re talking balls lad. Lincolnshire might be a nice place to go for a day trip but there’s no risk of us looking to acquire their land under our dominion. Oh, aye we could, but why would we want to? You been to Lincoln? It’s like Middleham but shit.
I’ll take just too more questions. Yes, you?
Oooh, crikey. Right, in order: Cricket, gravy (obviously), and Saints Bibiana and Monica. I think I don’t need to explain myself for the reasons why, do I?
Okay, last one, so make it good. You.
Pause, and a smile slowly spreads wide and cruel over their face
Oh, don’t you worry, lass. We have special plans about them. There are many in our number who’ve never forgiven them, for their devious treachery on many a battlefield, be it at Lords, Headingley, Old Trafford or Bosworth. You can take my word for it, Lancashire won’t know what’s hit them.