Glitter is Terrible

I keep half writing this post and then deleting it. It’s not because it’s controversial or even a weighty topic, neither because I fear the repercussions it may spawn. I think I’ve held off writing this because of where it comes from.

This topic was suggested by a friend who has decided to follow her dreams and is currently on the other side of the world. She is busy making herself happy, having fun, and getting paid for it all at the same time. On one hand I am immensely jealous, and on another hand extremely proud. But above all I miss her and writing this just reminds me that she is that far away.

Anyway, that’s enough emotion for one post. Now onto the real topic of this serious discussion; Glitter.

From the earliest years of Primary School to almost every damn wedding invitation I’ve seen, Glitter has permeated every level of DIY creativity. It’s a symbol of LGBT+ pride and happiness, of camp statements and sparkly queens. And I don’t get why the hell we seem to love it so much.

In short, it’s terrible, truly awful, and we should remove it from every art department in the world. And not just because kids like it, although that is a very good argument for children are terrible and need stopping before they start. There are some genuinely good reasons why glitter should be banished and some that are purely selfish on my behalf.

Firstly, it’s terrible for the environment. In a world where single use plastic straws have become the ultimate evil for deliberately targeting sea turtles, even though up to 80% of the plastic debris in the seas come from fishing nets, I can’t see how glitter has escaped persecution. Glitter is just plastic-coated bit of thin metal, or in most cases just tiny squares of plastic. Add a few extra coatings of shiny plastic on top to give it that distinctive ‘cheap tat’ look and you’ve got what I can only describe as ecological cancer. Yes, the particles and small. Yes, they’re easily dispersed. But we throw hundreds of tonnes of this plastic away every year. Does anyone recycle glitter? No, how the hell could you? It’s foul.

Glitter is craft herpes. Once one person in a friendship group has glitter then BOOM everyone has glitter. Not lots mind you, a few specks on your face, just enough for them to occasionally catch the light and all your work colleagues can make a joke about you wearing glitter. I was given a book by a dear friend who knew my aversion to the sparkly Satan that is glitter, and as a joke she had put the stuff inside the few of the pages. I still use that book, having taken the bulk of the glitter out. But I challenge anyone, literally anyone, to use that book without getting showered by the shiny bastards and leave without having it look like your thighs are magical.

It’s also terrible for you. Now, I will admit up front that this one is still in contention. Glitter is bad for humans. It gets into your lungs and, okay it makes them look like glitterballs, but it doesn’t aid with respiration. Worse than that, it has a fun habit of getting into people’s eyes, and ooh guess what? It has a track record of blinding people. I am not even joking. People have got glitter in their eyes from, say, a greetings card and have lost their vision. Not only is this worrying it is also highly embarrassing and hilarious. But people don’t seem to understand that glitter is actual a physical thing and seem to believe it’s an actual magic material that can do the body no harm, resulting in a statement from a medical professional that read “Don’t fill your vagina with glitter” – there was a brief trend of people glittering their ladycave, and where even able to buy an insertable capsule that was able to line your insides with sparkles.

No. That’s not a good thing. It’ll get angry with you and fall out. Possibly. Maybe. I don’t know, but it can’t be good for you.

As much fun as glitter is, it pisses me off.

 

Just stop loving it. It’s terrible, mean, cruel, and will break your genitals.

 

Published by Adam Unwin

Yeah, I write stuff occasionally, make things up on stage, and like saying words other people have written in a dramatic way.

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