And goes one and on.
They isn’t a deep meaning behind saying that, it’s just truth. And it is a sentiment that, right now, I am very much feeling. Life seems to be just going on around me, not really letting me to get on.
I am more than aware that this is not an original thought for someone in their early 20s to be feeling – lost. And I am also aware that in my last post I spoke at length about not making this blog a philosophical or psychological, but I did say that this is my space to vent, and vent I shall do.
“Bugger it” is a very interesting phrase. It is used to signify frustration, for those moments when the shit hits the fan and everything goes out of your control. But it can also exist when you give up, and decide to throw in the towel. These seem to be the most common uses of the phrase, or at least from what I’ve seen at work and around my friends. It hasn’t any positive connotations, no happy mood.
I’ve been feeling very “bugger it” of late. It has slipped into a few other parts of my life recently, to the point where I turned off Black Mirror, a serious I adore, to watch A Death in Paradise instead because it took less effort to watch. Admittedly, Black Mirror doesn’t feature Peter Davison playing a murder suspect, but it is still better in absolutely every way. (Thinks: Write a Doctor Who / Black Mirror cross over where he’s evil and hates everyone)
This “bugger it” feeling is probably sourced at work, where most negative feelings seem to grow and fester, but it hasn’t been helped by a general malaise and slow down of my life at the moment. Despite some brilliant recent developments in my life, getting engaged, having ideas about jobs, working on my future, actually gyming properly, yet I just feel like I’d rather be somewhere else at all times. I feel like squidward – doing all the things he loves, yet always with the same bored face.
I know full well what this probably is, as I’ve felt it before and worked through it all. And I also know that the best way to work through it is just that – work through it all.
“Bugger it” does has a third meaning, I suppose. It should be a carrion cry, a big shout before a push forward. “Bugger it, I’m sick of this and I’m going to do something about it.” And I shall, and will.
And I also know one thing – fuck this bloody illness. I’m better than it, stronger than it. I’ve lost too many people to it, and I’ll be damned if you’ll ever get the best of me.